The wrong question can sour the whole mood of a gathering with family or friends. Some questions are boring or intrusive or too ambiguous; others are meant to provoke—or are asked with no real interest in an answer.
And then there are those that hit it out of the park, lighting up the place and bringing everyone in it together.
“A good question opens the whole room,” says Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters. “It opens a pathway for connection, and creates the geography of conversation from which you can travel anywhere together. A beautiful question is the fundamental building block of conversation.”
The best questions, she adds, are those that lead to stories instead of opinions and invite specificity. They’re also energizing, make people want to engage, and are relevant to everyone in the room. “A great question is accessible, whether you’re 7 or 77,” Parker says. “It doesn’t feel like homework or labor, and everyone in the group is excited to answer it—and also really interested in hearing everyone else’s answers.”
We asked Parker the best question to ask at your next social gathering.
The No. 1 question to ask
Parker thinks of her repertoire of favorite conversation-starters as “magical questions” that transform small talk into real talk. One in particular is ideal for year-end gatherings with friends and family: “What three songs would make up the soundtrack of your year, and why?”
Part of the reason she loves this question is its cross-generational appeal. Imagine the conversations each person’s selections can ignite: Your grandfather might want to know who Tate McRae is, while your 6-year-old niece has never heard of Madonna. “A really good question has legs,” Parker says. Songs are so heavily influenced by personal and social factors that the question will “lead to so many other conversations.”
Read More: The 4-Word Trick to Saying a Great Goodbye
Maybe your sister is in the midst of a bittersweet season and most relates to a Brandi Carlile song, while your cousin is in her lovey-dovey Taylor Swift era, and your resilient mom has I Will Survive on repeat. You’ll learn a lot about your companions, especially if you ask thoughtful follow-up questions: How long have you been feeling that way? What can we do to support you? Why that artist in particular? Have you seen them live? What other songs do you recommend by them? Plus, there’s a built-in opportunity to reflect on your own year.
An added bonus: You’ll end up expanding your musical repertoire. “An Indian grandfather might share Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, and it’s like, ‘Who? What?’” Parker says. “Someone else shares Glenn Miller, and then someone shares Scarlet Pleasure, and someone else shares Toni Braxton.”
Fortunately, music is easily shareable. You can blast each person’s songs on Spotify while you’re all together or even create a playlist featuring the entire group’s selections that everyone can listen to. “It creates a musical soundtrack for the rest of your time together,” Parker says. “It’s a generative question that’s fun and accessible and has a rich afterlife.”
A less-musical alternative
If you’re not big music people, your group might appreciate this slight variation on Parker’s favorite question: “If your year was a book, what would its title and subtitle be?”
“A title forces brevity,” she says. “It gives a vibe of your year without giving the full report.” Of course, by asking the right follow-ups, you can dive much deeper in depth.
When Parker has asked this question at gatherings, she’s especially gotten a kick out of people’s subtitles, which are often laugh-out-loud funny. A book titled My Year As a Mother, for example, might have this subtitle: Poop, pee, and the best year of my life. Or maybe this one: A how-to guide to staying sane.
“They’re just being a little flippant, and it’s fun,” she says.
And if there’s still time after dessert…
Get creative when you think of questions that everyone at your gathering can have fun answering. Parker, who’s been teaching her children the power of good questions, was delighted when her daughter recently asked this (potentially loaded) question at a family get-together: “What’s the naughtiest thing you ever did that was worth it?”
Read More: 8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation
“The adults answered knowing that there were children in the room, but we heard so many stories,” she says. Then her son asked a different question: “What’s the meanest thing you ever did before the age of 15?”
“My 77-year-old father, my daughter, and my son and I spent an entire lunch just answering and telling stories and kind of confessing to each other,” Parker says. “A really good question allows you to complicate the individual.” Everyone heads home feeling more connected—not to mention, entertained and enlightened.
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
